Men’s Public Bathroom Etiquette

Oh man, this is something I have always thought about. I have to put this one out there for everyone to read.


If you’re using the bathroom and there’s someone in the stall next to you farting, droppin’ loud          depth-chargers while moaning in relief, does this make you uncomfortable? I, for one like to be alone in the bathroom. If we must work side by side, I ask that you at least keep the volume and ad libs down as much as possible, please.

Secondly, I feel that in a men’s room a general one urinal “buffer zone” rule should be observed whenever possible. If there are open urinals, why choose the one directly next to me? That is just a little creepy.

This is very important: no touching in the bathroom. I don’t want you walking by me, touching my shoulder in that, “hey buddy! how goes life?” sorta way while my business is in my hand. Not a good look.

In addition, you can not talk to another man unless you are doing the same thing, ie – both at the urinal or both washing hands. If you are washing your hands, you are NOT allowed to talk to a man who is using the terlet(thats Brooklynese for Toilet, recognize).

Come to think of it, I would go so far as no conversation whatsoever unless both men are washing hands, or if said conversation is initiated by the man at the urinal. I for one dont want to talk to any1 while relieving myself. 

Example Scenario: The big bossman in the office strolls into the bathroom with you and proceeds to talk the whole time while also choosing the urinal next to you. To compound his mistakes he touches you with that little “go get ’em tiger” shoulder pat upon completion of his piss.

That is WRONG. Dead wrong. Seriously. You may get the Buddy Revell reaction out of me, whereas I will push you into the urinal and proceed to flush a few times. Maybe. I will definitely THINK about doing it though, so watch it.

Moving on…
I hate when I approach a toilet and there’s a foamy reservoir of human waste waiting there for me. I always double flush, especially after a night of drinking or if I took a multi-vitamin.  I expect the same courtesy. I am often disappointed.

Another thing, the greaseballs (they run rampant in NYC) who lose 4″ pubes on the porcelain really piss me off(Although my father always said, it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on, smart words from a smart man). Any time I see one lingering about, I try to ignore it, but the next guy in line may think it came from me. Not that I care what another man thinks about my pubic region, but I don’t want to be known as “the guy with 4″ pubes”. Noone does, me thinks.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly (is leastly a word? Im 99% sure it’s not), “If you sprinkle when you tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat.”  Yes this rhyme was taught to most in Kindergarten, however the words still ring true today. I for one, implore everyone to use the “protective nest” move before using a public comode, however, I do not want to be wiping up your poorly aimed liquids before constructing my nest. It’s dirty and disgusting. Have some respect for those who come after you.

I believe this is all for now, however this may have to be revisited.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: